Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Things that I can’t say out loud or someone will call Social Services (well, I would, I’m meant to be a social worker, aren’t I?):

I don’t enjoy breastfeeding. I know it’s good for him, good for him, and I am not worried anymore that he’s not getting enough. I just am not feeling that ‘isn’t this lovely, we can bond and do this together’ feeling; instead, I resent being the only one that can stop him crying, and it’s just not fun or comfortable for me. I thought I was through the pain barrier already, but he’s hurting me a bit again. Also now I am really getting stressed out when we leave the house as I am dreading having to feed him in public. After trying this out for the first time last Friday, and doing my back in having to do it in stupid no-arm office chairs in unsanitary places, I just want to sit in the comfy chair at home with a pillow under him, the remote in one hand and a drink in the other, and not worry about exposing myself to strange people. When am I going to be able to have a life outside of being a cow again? Ever?

I’m really tired and I am getting worried that he is going to be smothered when I fall asleep with him in bed with me. This co-sleeping thing is good for my sanity right now, as I know he’s sleeping way more peacefully and longer than he would if he was in his basket – but I am not doing the proper thing and sleeping lightly beside him. For that 2 hour stretch he lets me sleep, I am dead to the world and I could easily kill him. I’ve woken up already with him pushing the duvet off his face (we have solved this problem now as I really was going to kill him if that continued), and last night we’d both fallen asleep while he was feeding and I woke up to find him squashed between my body and the pillow he’d been lying on. So when we find him suffocated and people try to tell me it’s not my fault, just remember this post.

Mark keeps asking me why I don’t look very happy, and telling me that he’s worried about me, and I don’t actually understand what I am meant to be happy about?

He keeps making plans to do things outside of the house (tonight: out in London, Thursday: medical in London, Sunday: flying, etc.) and all I can think is it’s nice for some…

Can I change my mind and go back to work now?

4 Responses to “”

  1. jamie Says:

    Oh girl girl girl. You know what? You’re in mourning. It sucks to be a mom. Yes, it’s wonderful, awesome, blah de blah de blah. But you still mourn for the life you had before the baby. The sleep you had before the baby.

    If breastfeeding is stressing you out, then stop. I will say this tho, it does get easier at about two months. They don’t eat as often then… they’re a little better sleepers by then… etc, etc. But, if you hate it, then Oliver having a happy mother making him bottles is better than him having a sad mom who has to boob him.

    It sucks tho, eh? You’ve hit the “you should be able to handle it” phase, I think. The part where the hubby leaves ya for “him time” where people stop calling and visiting. It sucks. You are completely normal.

    Is there someone you can pawn that baby off on for a couple of hours? Pump a bottle off, or buy a small thing of formula and just go for a couple of hours. Heck, take a nap if you want to!

    I wish I was closer!! You could cry on my shoulder and I would make you have a nap!!

    Hugs!

  2. geepeemum Says:

    Hi – you poor thing. I promise you it gets easier. Promise, promise, promise. Truth is – mine suddenly got dramatically easier at 10 weeks. And I wasn’t even breast feeding. Yes I know, breast is good, bottle is wicked etc. – but truth is – I loved bottle feeding, I would have hated breast feeding. I would have resented it and them if I’d carried on. I have 2 very healthy small people. By all means carry on if it’s waht you want to do deep down but don’t kill yourself over it. Better a happy healthy mum who can get a few hours kip at night than one who’s desperate and utterly exhausted – as opposed to just exhausted. Have you got a spare room? – we coped with the co-sleeping by only having 1 adult plus babe in bed for the 1st 6 weeks – and then we put him in his cot in his own room. But it saved our sanity those first 6 weeks…

  3. tami 'n matti Says:

    i’m so sorry em. i *wish* there was something i could do to help or even say. i know nothing about kids, let alone having them, and i can only imagine how difficult it is. hang in there! cyber hugs!

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