Thursday, January 19, 2006

I’m okay; we’re okay. I had another great supportive visit from the health visitor this morning, I am really lucky, I think, to have someone like her who is asking the right questions and isn’t pressuring me to do one thing or another. I’ve also had some good chats with my mum, and both her and the health visitor have given me two things I need to do – try topping him up with formula, so that we can continue to get the benefits of breastfeeding but also possibly get some more regular 3 or 4 hour stretches of sleep, and to make sure I get some time for myself without Oliver even being in the house. As in, Mark can take him out for a walk or a drive for a bit while I have some alone time.

In general I know that although I am having some low points, I am not suffering from anything clinical – it’s just all really overwhelming, there are still hormones all over the place, and I am oscillating between good moments and bad moments. There are lots of good moments – Oliver is not a fussy baby, he amuses us quite a bit, today is a pretty good day (not washed and dressed but I have had both lunch and breakfast!) and we both had some rest last night. I need to remember in the bad moments how many millions of other people have survived this time, including all my fine friends who have kids – and who managed to hide their struggles too well I think! I know now that I wasn’t prepared enough for this. Despite all the talk about sleepless nights, I don’t think I believed it all enough!

One additional thing that happened yesterday is that cot death was all over the television as there has been a huge increase in babies dying when their mothers fall asleep on the couch. I was already feeling bad enough about the co-sleeping, and this made me decide that I need to force myself to settle him in his basket. And I need to stop falling asleep while feeding him. So I tried very hard to do both last night, and ending up giving up at 3am before I threw myself out the window in desperate need for sleep – instead, we both slept very well beside each other for the next 7 hours with only 1 short feeding break in the middle. I think we had tired ourselves out as he just kept crying and crying everytime I put him in the basket. However, I am going to persevere with this – Mark is buying me a chair at Ikea today that I am going to do night feeds on, hoping that it will keep me awake a bit more, and hopefully if Oliver is full on some topped-up formula, he is going to sleep so soundly he won’t notice where he is. Yes this is probably wishful thinking, but I can dream…

So later today, when Mark gets home, we’ll go out and get some formula and I will try not to feel like a Bad Mother. The lovely health visitor told me that he will continue to get the breastfeeding benefits even if he just gets one feed a day that way, which was reassuring (though not my plan). This is the compromise option – I’m not being entirely selfish and packing it all in because I don’t like doing it, but I am being a bit selfish in that I am hoping we are both going to get some more sleep. Or at least longer stretches of the same sleep in one go.

He often adopts thinking pose when peaceful, or Egyptian mummy pose (arms across his chest):

3 Responses to “”

  1. jamie Says:

    I am glad that you’re feeling better! But Emma, don’t sweat the formula! So what?? I mean, I get where you’re coming from, but we had to supplement Ephraim at night with formula just to shut the kid up. He just wasn’t getting full enough.

    You’re right though, we don’t talk about the bad stuff enough. I think you’re doing great, honestly!

  2. Anonymous Says:

    What a great site
    » » »

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