Not okay

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

He’s okay.

Still sniffly but definitely getting better. The pediatrician at the hospital predicted the virus would last about 10 days, and I think he’s right.

So he’s okay, but I’m not really okay.

I’m on a terrible downward spiral of dealing with a sick baby, trying to take care of a toddler, having Mark spend a hell of a lot of time in Montreal on business (4 out of 5 days this week), trying to keep the house liveable (not even tidy, just not completely disgusting), making sure the dog and cat are alive and have basic needs met, and yeah, basically losing any sense of myself in the midst of that. And it’s even worse in the middle of winter – it’s just easier not to leave the house, and it’s not like it’s practical to all go out and take the dog for a walk when it’s -15 degrees.

So I spent the weekend with Callum at my parents’ house, who spoiled me with good food and lots of movie watching, and Oliver has gone back in daycare full time for a few weeks. ‘Cause I’m not exactly coping that well. I felt really rested and calm after the weekend, and then last night I started getting the tightening feeling back in my chest when I was trying to get Oliver to eat dinner, Callum was crying for his food, and Piper wanted to go out to pee. Basically, I just can’t do it all, but it all needs to be done.

At least with Oliver in daycare, I feel like I am paying enough attention to Callum, sort of making up for what happened before. But then I have the stress of not really being able to afford to have him in full time for a few weeks – the bills, they are piling up. I’m paying towards my pension while I am off on mat leave, which is a huge bill, and there are other major expenses (like car service, etc.) in the near future.

Also, I know it’s completely ridiculous that he’s in daycare full time. When he really should be at home full time. I mean, people do this, normal people with normal lives do it every day. Women have been doing domestic duty for how many centuries? Looking after 2 kids should be, like, innate or something. But for me, it is not.

The stress, it sucks.

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